I was hard at work on a painting recently, feeling good about where it was at.
I showed it to my mentor, Lori Putnam, who did what she does best: She coached me on things to try to make it even better.
Simplify the background.
Warm up the skin tones.
Reflect some of the background back into the figure.
I'll admit: I didn't want to change what I had. I was happy with it. I had put hours into getting it to the point it was at.
Putting my reservations aside — somewhat begrudgingly, of course — I started making edits to the painting.
Panic quickly set in. I was afraid I was going to ruin something perfectly good. I was scared that I didn't trust myself. I was terrified that I'd have to scrap the painting and start from scratch.
In hindsight, it's easy to see: I was afraid of the uncertainty, and my attachment to what I'd created was threatening to keep me stagnant.
As has happened time and time before when uncertainty sets in and I can't clearly see the future, fear and ego were taking over.
In art — and in life — we're going to be presented with unknowns.
Humans aren't wired to respond well to uncertainty, which makes it a prime opportunity for fear and ego to sneak in and take over.
It also makes it a prime opportunity to channel Lori's mantra: Pas de peur; pas d’égo. No fear, no ego.
As an artist, I don't want to let neither fear nor ego hinder my curiosity; my openness to learning new lessons; my willingness to try new things.
I'll wear gloves to paint to keep toxic chemicals from breaking my skin barrier. I'll make sure I have proper ventilation at home and when I'm teaching a class. I won't paint en plein air in the woods amongst ravenous bears.
In other words, I'll do what I can to create safe conditions, then I’ll let go of the fear and the ego even — no, especially — in the face of uncertainty so that my good can become better and my better can become my best.
In life, especially at times like this when COVID-19 is rightly invoking true uncertainty in all of us, we need to do our best to do the same: Let go of our fear and ego.
We are not above this (there's that ego stepping in), but we also do not need to let fear drive us.
For me, this means stepping back to take an objective look at the situation, then deciding what my social and personal responsibility is.
Right now, that looks like: Embracing my introverted nature and staying home as much as possible, making sure I have enough toilet paper, RayMar boards, and Cad yellow medium (the essentials!), and checking in on my loved ones as frequently as possible. It's accepting the uncertainty over future events — Should I keep my trip to visit Henry on next week? Will my show still go on in April? — and putting my faith in humanity and the goodness and generosity of people as we all respond in the ways we best know how.
Your response does not have to be my response.
It only needs to be yours, free of fear and free of ego.